I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize