jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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