a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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