The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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