Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
