Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
