The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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