Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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