I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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