Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She's the barista slut.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
