Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
