I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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