She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
