Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
