don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
