i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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