why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
