you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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