so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
