for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
But we have bathrooms and they dont
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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