Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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