You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
