First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
