i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
