Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
