I got chris browned last night
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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