I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
