my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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