new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
