I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
