You made me cry and you don't even care
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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