this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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