i think my tv is drunk
her vagine was all disorganized.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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