I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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