you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
