once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
