so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
