Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
