god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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