Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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