i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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