So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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