The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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