I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
