if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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