i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It was a blind-side dick pic.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
