Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
