Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
