do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize