so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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