I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
