i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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