this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
