I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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