I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
