She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
