I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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