I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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