I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
