Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize