I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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