Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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