and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
